One of the things I love most about my job as a winemaker is working with my hands. Because I make small lots of wine, I can truly say I’m making hand crafted wines. And a hands-on approach is truly appreciated by wine enthusiasts because it implies a level of attention to detail and care that might not get transferred through mechanics.
In my work, I hand sort all the grapes that come into the cellar; I do manual punchdowns throughout fermentations; I work with my hands to test the sugar levels of fermentations; make yeast inoculates and nutrient additions; as well as manage all other aspects of cellar operations, which requires using your hands for cleaning and sanitizing things, rolling and mobilizing barrels, and supporting, lifting and mobilizing equipment, and so on.
Last year, for the first time in my career, my hands were not able to perform these key tasks, and actually kept me from most of the winemaking duties. I completely relied on a hired cellar worker to be my hands for me.
Right before the first grapes of the season were picked and arrived to the winery by truck, I noticed some strange dry patches on the palms of my hands between my thumbs and pointer finger. Tiny blisters would emerge with an itch that was so intense I had to scratch constantly, opening up the blisters. The skin cracked open and produced several small wounds like paper cuts. The pain was intense and not just on the surface, at the wound level, but ached deeper into my hands, deep into the muscle. The pain became so debilitating that I would hold my hands in closed fists. The wounds would heal, the skin turned into leather consistency with peeling skin on the outer dermis, and then the process would start all over again with new blisters, horrible itching, scratching, wounds, and deep pain.
I struggled though the harvest season quietly. Nothing would relieve the constant cycle of itching and pain. I tried everything – low prescription topicals, over the counter Cortisone, traditional eczema creams, all-natural creams, a salve made by my acupuncturist/herbalist. The inflammation, or “flare up” as the dermatologist called it, was chronic and lasted for over eight months.
Finding myself in this predicament of discomfort and difficulty using my hands only intensified my already barely managed anxiety. It was affecting my ability to work, to mother my toddler, and to take care of myself. The smallest tasks, like opening a jar, had become challenging.
I learned that the origin of this type of eczema is often tied to trauma.
Years ago, I had studied holistic nutrition. Holism teaches you to examine the source of health issues, not simply care for and treat symptoms. Specialization often misses the cause for what ails us. We too often bandaid our health problems and never enjoy true healing, wellness and homeostasis.
In my case, the surface healing wasn’t happening. I was stuck on topical treatments, trying to put a bandaid on the condition. Of course, this failed.
In therapy, I mentioned my research about trauma and this type of inflammation. We addressed the sources of trauma and PTSD that could benefit from deeper work. I also discussed the need for addressing trauma in my acupuncture sessions – we worked with needles, moxibustion and herbs to address both the trauma and inflammation.
I’m not hiding behind my trauma – I’ve written about it extensively. My experiences with postpartum depression and PTSD, then the pandemic in all of its mayhem – and ultimately getting Covid and the strange heath issues that followed – were enough to cause the flare up.
I returned to my doctor to try a new topical ointment to heal the inflammation while utilizing other therapeutic resources.
I also decided to do some much needed work on myself, digging deep into my trauma, my pain and inner turmoil, my fears and anxiety, and flipped the script to seek out opportunities to bring joy to my life, doing things just for me for no other reason than to fill up my own cup.
I took a remarkable figure drawing class at the local cultural center at the beginning of the year. That sparked a practice of using time with my toddler to dig deeper into art therapy.
I also picked up some great books. I started a tiny book club with a couple of friends to feed my love of reading. It also promised connection with other women, something that I had neglected once I became a mother. I just didn’t have the energy and mind space to cultivate and nurture friendships.
Most importantly, I made time for writing in my journal and contemplating the metaphysical stuff that fuels my curiosity and awe. I finally hired a personal trainer to help me bring regular movement and fitness back into my life. I think the vitamin D from the summer months also helped. And, we took two separate vacations this summer, which I think proved to be intensely therapeutic. Both trips brought us together with long-distanced family and the new change of scenery helped elevate spirit.
As we get ready for a new harvest to commence, I am not able to take on the work load per previous vintages. My hands, while improved, are still vulnerable and the skin is not completely healed. I don’t know how long flare ups will be a part of my life, so I will need to be proactive and have help in the cellar to carry me through each vintage until my hands can handle the work. But, this condition may also be a signal from the universe telling me it is time to have help carry out my work orders here on out so that I am more hands off. I am open to that in this season of my life as I navigate possibly home schooling our child so we can travel and, ultimately, shift from struggling with the constant attention my business requires from me, along with the stress and anxiety it delivers, and moving towards enjoyment, getting more centered and living my life with more purpose.
I’ve got to hand it to the universe. We are pushed to discomfort in order to grow, to shift, and to move forward on our journey. I am seeing possibilities for my life and new ways of doing things because of this health issue. As painful as it has been, I am grateful for it. It has pushed me to reconsider how I do my work, how I will continue to do my work, how I can change some things, and how I can change the way I work and do business.
COSMIC BITS 