It has been a long time coming that I enrolled in an herbalism certificate program. There had been many circumstances pointing me in this particular direction. I happen to live my life in such a way that I am open to receiving signs from God, from the universe, from the archangels, from my own intuition. I think of it as part of the grand design.
I have been on a very focused course in the wine business for over twenty years. As soon as I landed in this career I was sure that I had found my purpose. I had a long lineage in winemaking on my mother’s side of the family, as we are descendants of Marchese Stravino near Caserta, in Montefalcone, located in the Campania region of Italy – stewards of many hectares of land with a winemaking history dating back to the 1700s. It felt like wine was in my blood.
I have been fortunate to follow my bliss and start my own wine label, which eventually became my own winery, although I never owned vineyards or an actual winery – I leased those for now twelve years.
I have been on this wine journey by myself for a long time. I was a one woman show – making the wine, selling the wine, doing all of the administrative work – all of it. When I learned I was pregnant in 2018, I knew I would not be able to manage the harvest by myself. That was the first time I hired someone to help me – a part-time harvest intern.
Things never returned to the way they were before the pregnancy. I had a long recovery from a c-section, a hip injury and postpartum depression. I didn’t have family nearby to help out. I felt isolated. And then the pandemic hit and I really felt isolated! The pandemic really affected my primary line of business – distribution sales. In fact, that sales channel still hasn’t fully recovered, three years later. The past year has been worse than the height of the pandemic. Inflation and the economy have been serious road blocks to my business. Nervous consumers are holding on to their cash, they’re simply not spending money on the “extras”. I haven’t paid myself a salary in over three months.
While all of that was going on, my little boy had a health emergency. He was in respiratory distress and sent to Doernbecher Children’s Hospital Emergency Room. He has asthma, and, while treatable, is severely triggered by seasonal allergies in one of the worst states for allergies, as well as wildfire smoke, a new norm in our region. Shortly after, I found out I had acute asthma, as well. I had already been dealing with a litany of health issues since I had given birth.
Between the stresses of running my business and family health issues, I was dealing with regular anxiety and what felt like chronic fight-or-flight.
One of my saving graces was acupuncture and prescribed herbs by my acupuncturist. I developed a really great relationship with my acupuncturist and had many engaging conversations about healing with herbs. I enrolled in a couple of her workshops on different subjects on herbalism. The seed was planted.
I have a postgraduate degree in holistic nutrition with an emphasis on Traditional Chinese Medicine and functional medicine, for the clinical nutrition part. I was comfortable talking about herbs, but mostly from a TCM perspective. I was interested in herbal energetics and understanding the ways herbs can treat different organ systems in the body.
My acupuncturist not only works with Chinese herbs, she is a third generation herbalist and is an expert on the herbs of the Pacific Northwest. I was learning so much from her. As I was learning how to strengthen my son’s body with nutrition and herbs, and take care of myself with herbal support, I found myself getting lit up.
At the same time, I had been on a spiritual journey of sorts to learn about my true calling, my true north. I am attracted to the esoteric and find the study of esoteric subjects to be exciting, revelatory, and powerful. Beyond religion, I have discovered enlightening works on subjects like quantum physics, the universe, metaphysics, natal chart navigation and analysis, spirit guides – like the archangels and ascended masters, archetypal energy, and, I guess, the mysteries, in general.
I learned all about light workers. I also learned that I might need to investigate my own path toward light work. I had a very clear indication that I might have a calling to do light work. For about eight years, I would inquire in my journal how do I use my gifts to help make the world a better place? This question became an obsession. It would keep me up at night. Turns out, it’s one of the primary doorways in for those meant to do light work.
In my pursuit of learning more about myself, my ability to go through alchemical transformation, and my curiosity about light work, I found myself learning from masters who teach about paths to enlightenment, service and divine soul purpose.
It was clear to me that I wasn’t the same person I was when I started my wine business. Life threw some pretty big and heavy changes my way. And as I began to excavate some of the hidden territory of my soul being, the shadow work, the unconscious stuff, I began to shift and feel into the process of healing old wounds – from my birth into this world to ancestral wounds – stuff that’s in our DNA, our genetics, epigenetics and ancestral lines of pain and trauma – the stuff that relates to karma.
I learned that karma is related to your South Node in a direct line with your dharma, which occupies your North Node. This line of South Node and North Node are known as the Nodes of Fate. In the South territory you’ve got the stuff you brought into this lifetime – wisdom, as well as pain, trauma, wounds; it’s a comfort zone because it’s stuff you already know. The North territory is where you are headed, it’s your destiny, what your soul is supposed to learn to bring you to your soul purpose, your bliss, your joy, your fulfillment.
I have spent most of my adult life operating like a zombie, just doing what I thought I should be doing, basically sleepwalking through life. I wasn’t really using my gifts to make the world a better place. The voice in my head, my soul, kept trying to wake me up! The soul isn’t in a hurry. The soul is very patient. The soul is gently persistent. Eventually, I woke up.
For as patient and persistent the soul is, the universe will push you off of a metaphysical cliff if you don’t listen to its calls and warnings to shift. It can feel like the universe is chewing you up and spitting you out. It can feel really uncomfortable.
I ignored the universe when it first called to me to shift and find my way to light work. I was too busy pressure washing grape presses and worrying about not having enough financing. So things got really uncomfortable. And I kept on keeping on. And then things got really intense. And I thought that was normal.
I bought a piece of artwork about thirty years ago. A girl was depicted in a small row boat and she’s going upstream in a wild current, struggling as she’s madly rowing. The caption below her read: Give up the oars.
I bought that painting for a reason. Back then I felt the pull of the message. And yet for thirty years, I kept on a wild upstream boat ride making my knuckles white from constant struggle. I was working against the natural flow. I had the answer all along. But I didn’t even know that my journey was a struggle. I thought it was normal. It’s amazing how long we will allow ourselves to continue in discomfort because when we’re in it long enough we become desensitized to it.
Now here’s the tricky part – the balance between the patient soul and the impatient universe. Even though I kept on that wild upstream boat ride making my knuckles white from constant struggle, the universe was dropping hints for me to give up the oars, and when I wouldn’t give up the oars, the universe would throw in some kind of extra challenge, like an alligator ready to roll my boat and wrestle me or a giant waterfall ahead, all to clue me in to stop what I was doing and GIVE UP THE OARS. The disobedience is part of the journey. Yup, that’s the tricky part. That’s why the soul is patient. It knows you have lessons to learn before you can actually give up the oars. You will have to learn how to dodge the damn alligator, then how to get yourself safely down an effing waterfall. Those lessons are important.
Once you give up the oars, you begin to trust things around you. You have learned about the current long enough to trust where it’s going. So now you can notice other things around you, beautiful things, signs from the universe, hints about what your real gifts are, inspirations and longings. And you become more familiar with your soul, your soul’s purpose, and all that lights you up, truly brings you joy and real fulfillment.
As I write this, I am now one week out from finally giving up the oars.
I’m not sure what’s ahead. But I am still studying herbalism and I have learned so many beautiful things about plants, my connection with plants, my natural ability to make potent medicine, and a joyful awakening to growing herbs and foraging. I love getting intimately connected to one plant at a time: first hawthorn, then marshmallow, and motherwort. I love studying botany and learning how to identify plants. I love that I have managed my anxiety with herbal nervines in teas and tinctures. The plants are speaking to me and I feel like they have been for many, many lifetimes. But in this lifetime, I am able to work with them without fear for my life. I am aware of my North Node purpose – to not work alone – as I was doing with my wine business. But, rather, to work in partnership, collaboration and cooperation. To find grace and balance. That is part of my soul purpose!
I just gave up the oars and I am beginning to trust things around me. I trust where the current is going, where it’s taking me. I’m now able to notice other things around me, beautiful things, signs from the universe, hints about what my real gifts are, inspirations and longings. In this moment and space I am quietly with my soul, all the light and energy that’s radiating from within, and the sparks and the energy pouring out to plug in to the good of all and everything. I’m finding my light work. I am giddy with joy to finally work out that burning question: how do I use my gifts to help make the world a better place?
COSMIC BITS 